I Hate Myself. Is there hope for me?
When we hate or reject ourselves, it often stems from a place of rejection. Ultimately, we reject ourselves and self loathing develops. This usually shows up as a hyper critical voice that puts us down. This is shame. Shame is a negative view of ourselves.
Shame is a heavy emotion that many of us carry, especially if we've faced tough experiences like neglect or abuse in childhood. It often creates a negative view of ourselves, making us feel like we’re not good enough. This belief—“The bad things happening to me are because I’m flawed”—can take root early on, shaping how we see ourselves and interact with others for years to come.
What Does Shame Look Like?
When shame kicks in, it can lead to a core belief that if people really got to know us, they’d treat us poorly, just like we’ve experienced before. So, we hide our true selves but still want others to respect and like us. This can lead to a desperate search for validation from the outside world because, deep down, we feel we have no value within ourselves.
To cope, some of us start comparing ourselves to others. We think, “I’m better looking, smarter, or more successful.” While this might give us a temporary boost, it usually doesn’t fill the void. Instead, it creates a cycle of insecurity, where we feel we constantly have to prove ourselves.
Types of Respect and Their Importance
Understanding the different types of respect can help us untangle our feelings about shame:
Inherent Value: This is the idea that everyone has value simply because they exist. It’s not about what we do.
Respect Due to Good Character: This is respect earned through honesty and reliability.
Respect from Contributions: This comes from the effort we put into helping others.
Position of Authority: Some respect is given just because of a title or role, like being a parent or a teacher.
Starting the Healing Process
The first step in healing from shame is recognizing that we have inherent value. Just being human gives us worth, and from there, we can work on building self-respect through our actions and character. It’s a journey, but it starts with accepting ourselves just as we are.
Shame in Relationships
When two people in a relationship are dealing with shame, resolving conflicts can be tough. Issues tend to stack up, creating a situation where someone always feels like a winner and someone else feels like a loser. The “loser” often ends up feeling shamed, which can lead to avoidance, deflection, or even escalating anger during arguments.
Shame also messes with our ability to set boundaries. If you struggle to say no because you fear people won’t like you, you might end up trying to please everyone. This can lead to resentment, where you feel taken advantage of. Setting healthy boundaries is essential for your well-being, and it starts with recognizing that you are worth fighting for.
How Shame Affects Self-Treatment
Shame can really mess with how we treat ourselves, often leading to negative self-talk. When we experience happiness, we might feel guilty for feeling good, thinking we don’t deserve it. Sometimes we even sabotage our own success because we think we need to be punished for our flaws. This can lead to risky behaviors or a constant focus on our shortcomings.
And let’s not forget how shame makes us vulnerable to manipulation. If someone uses guilt to get what they want—like a parent saying, “After everything I’ve done for you”—it can trap us in a cycle where love feels conditional.
Finding Your Way to Healing
Recognizing the role shame plays in our lives is the first step toward healing. By realizing we have inherent value, we can start treating ourselves with kindness and learn to set boundaries that protect our well-being. Self-compassion and support from others can help us break free from the grip of shame, allowing us to lead happier, more connected lives.
Remember, healing is a process, and it’s okay to take your time. By embracing who we are and working on self-acceptance, we can transform our relationship with ourselves and others, finding freedom from shame and creating a more fulfilling life.