Why You Pull Close, Then Push Away: Understanding the Dismissive Preoccupied Attachment Pattern
Do you crave connection but find yourself backing away when it finally arrives?
You’re not emotionally unavailable. In fact, you may feel deeply and want meaningful relationships. But when someone starts getting too close, your brain begins to spin. You question everything. You might shut down emotionally, become anxious, or hyper-focus on the other person’s flaws.
You are not trying to sabotage love. You are trying to feel safe.
If this feels familiar, you may be experiencing what’s often called a dismissive preoccupied attachment style. It is a relational pattern where you want closeness but also feel overwhelmed or triggered by it.
What Is the Dismissive Preoccupied Pattern?
This is not a diagnosis or label. It is a pattern shaped by life experiences, especially if you grew up in a home where love had conditions, emotions were unpredictable, or you had to keep the peace to avoid conflict.
Common Signs:
You please others but keep your own feelings hidden
You want closeness but pull away when it starts to feel real
You fear being abandoned but struggle to rely on anyone
You analyze and overthink instead of feeling what’s really going on
Why This Pattern Forms
You Were Raised to Keep the Peace, Not to Express Needs
If you grew up walking on eggshells and managing other people’s moods, your nervous system may have learned to focus on external stability. You became attuned to others but lost connection with your own needs and emotions.
Closeness Feels Unsafe
Even though you want connection, it may trigger feelings of overwhelm. You may start withdrawing, doubting the relationship, or fixating on flaws. This is not about being cold. It is how your system protects you from the vulnerability that once felt risky.
You Don’t Fully Trust Needing Anyone
You may long for care, but if needing led to disappointment or shame in the past, it now feels unsafe. So even when someone shows up with love, part of you is waiting for it to disappear. You tell yourself, “I should be fine on my own.”
You Live in Your Head
You can talk about emotions, but it is harder to feel them in the moment. You stay in control through thinking, planning, or analyzing. That helped you survive, but now it might leave you feeling disconnected from yourself.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Adapted.
These patterns were your best way of staying safe. But now, they might be keeping you from the very connection and calm you are longing for. The good news is: patterns can change.
Healing Attachment Starts with Small Changes
If you’re someone who:
People-pleases but feels emotionally closed off
Fears abandonment but also shuts down
Craves intimacy but runs from it when it arrives
Here are practical, trauma-informed tools to begin healing:
1. People-pleasing and Guarded
Say “no” to small, safe requests to practice setting boundaries
Check in with your own feelings before helping others
Share one honest emotion with someone you trust each day
Remind yourself your worth is not based on being liked
2. Fears Abandonment but Shuts Down
When you feel scared or triggered, pause and breathe before reacting
Journal your emotions or say them aloud, even if no one else is there
Identify people who feel emotionally safe and build consistency
Use grounding techniques like deep breathing or touching your heart
3. Craves Intimacy but Sabotages It
Notice the situations that make you want to pull away
Be honest about your fears with trusted people
Stay physically present during closeness (soften your body, hold eye contact)
Work with a therapist or group to explore fears around intimacy
Can Medication Help?
Yes. If your attachment patterns are linked with anxiety, insomnia, chronic stress, panic attacks, or mood symptoms, medication may help stabilize your nervous system so healing can begin.
At Homecoming Psychiatry, we offer trauma-informed psychiatric care and can support you with:
Medication for anxiety or panic
Support for depression or emotional numbness
Treatment for sleep issues or exhaustion
Help managing ADHD or focus difficulties
Guidance through tapering or changing current medications
Medication does not erase attachment wounds. But it can make emotional safety and connection feel more possible.
If you’re curious whether medication might support your healing, schedule a consultation with us at HomecomingPsychiatry.com.
This Pattern Is Not a Flaw
It is an old roadmap. You were wired to survive. But now it is time to come home to yourself where you can ask for what you need, stay connected when it matters most, and trust that you are allowed to rest in real intimacy.
Related Terms You Might Look Up:
Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Craves closeness but is afraid of it
Disorganized Attachment: Conflicting impulses around connection and safety
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: Values independence, avoids emotional intimacy